Once Again Chapter 25

Odin had seen what had happened two nights before. Loki had betrayed Thanos, joined forces with the Avengers, and all was well. He'd prepared for a celebration when his sons returned. A huge party that would have put Thor's coronation ceremony to shame. Everyone would join, would whoop as the seven saviors of the universe strode proudly in through the gates. There would be a feast, and perhaps, for once, everyone's attention would be on the younger brother.

Yes, Loki would like that, Odin thought with a smile. He tried to remember the times Loki had smiled as a child. He didn't remember Loki ever smiling much, but when he did, oh, those smiles could have lit up Jotunheim.

---
Hey there now
Where'd you go?
You left me here so unexpected
You changed my life, I hope you know.
---

In fact, Odin thought, the star of the party should be Loki. He would announce that at the beginning of the party. Just thinking about that smile Loki would give was enough to get the old king moving. He gathered everyone into the celebration preparations, even Heimdall. No one had any more obligations or duties, and the castle grew rowdy and unkempt. But it would be well worth it, seeing Loki's reaction.

Then the day came, when Avengers had walked in.

With the air of warriors who had won a battle but lost something worth a million times of that.

Six of them.

---
In the blink of an eye
I never got to say goodbye
---

Odin counted and counted again.

Perhaps his eyes were finally failing him after hundreds of thousands of years.

Perhaps Loki was feeling guilty and trailing behind.

Perhaps Loki had gotten a little ill back at Midgard and couldn't come along.

---
Shine on, shine on,
On to a better place.
---

Then Thor came forward, gazing around at the crowd who had gathered for the celebration.
He spoke clearly, loudly, but his voice cracked. "We need a memorial. For a Son of Odin."

---
I never got to say goodbye

OOO

They say there are six stages of grief.

Six walls to break through before you could one day wake up without jagged memories ripping bloody paths through your insides, before you could open your eyes in the morning and feel like there is something to live on for.

OOO

If there's love just feel it,
If there's life we'll see it,
This is no time to be alone,
I won't let you go.

OOO

Wall number one. Denial.

I didn't really believe Loki was gone; or maybe I did, but my mind rejected it for a long time. It was the same for all of us, but I took longer to break through this first wall of grieving. My eyes insisted on glimpsing Loki lurking around darker corners.

A bag left on the sofa was the boy curled up in his sleep.

A coat draped on a chair was him with his over-sized clothes.
Shadows of tree branches cast across the wall in the pale moonlight was the adult Loki, the rustling leaves were his cape.

The shapes of clouds took form of his scepter, his helmet.

At night, the light glinting off my shield always looked just a little greenish.

The memories of Loki lingered everywhere.

And maybe I wanted them to.

OOO

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
It's something unpredictable but in the end
It's right I hope you've had the time of your life

OOO

Next came pain.

Trust me, I've experienced agony beyond imagination, thanks to my job. I've gotten hurt in places normal people would have never thought possible. I am a spy after all. I have duties.

As it stood, the most painful time in my career was when SHIELD ordered me to infiltrate that awful Vladislav factory in Russia. SHIELD suspected the company was developing illegal weapons, and as always, SHIELD was rarely wrong.

Long story short, I'd ended up breaking four ribs and my left arm in a battle, jumped out a window on the ninth level as the building exploded behind me spraying debris everywhere, and landed into a burning car. It took me weeks to recover. I figured no pain would ever beat that incident.

That was before Loki.

Now my heart was being torn to gruesome shreds, and there was nothing I could do, no bandages, anesthetics, or medicine could help, because no one could see the wound. Who knew emotions would be more dangerous than the knives and guns we were trained for?

Smashing into burning metal from a height of ninety feet?

It was nothing.

I was beginning to miss Vladislav.

OOO

There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
And say the last goodbye

OOO

Anger.

More than once, I'd looked in the mirror and caught my eyes going a slight shade of emerald, whenever I remembered him.

The last straw was when at a shopping mall, where the televisions were still blaring news of the Avengers.

"What do the Avengers have to say about the Chitauri Attack in East Asia? Tony Stark has declined to be interviewed-"

I felt the familiar rush of anger. Shit, shit, shit. Tony felt me tense, caught my gaze and inhaled sharply.

"Uh, calm down." Tony and Clint each took one of my arms, and started reassuring me calmly, slowly.

"Does Loki have anything to do with it this time? The prime suspect for this attack that caused several casualties, would still remain as the fallen God of Asgard-"

Everything was a black blur after that.

It was the last time I'd lost my temper so utterly and completely because of Loki.
When I woke in the debris and dust of what used to be a mall, there was no anger left. Just that hollow, desolate feeling in my chest.

Because even if you're a super-hero, a national icon, there are things you cannot fix.

OOO

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

The days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

OOO

Depression.

The one thing about being an archer, when you fail to reach your mark, you keep thinking about what you would have done better if you had a second chance.

Maybe if I'd shot faster, my hand wouldn't have slipped.

Maybe if I'd looked at the target for a moment more, I would have hit the mark.

Maybe if I'd determined the wind speed, the arrow wouldn't have flown so far to the left.

After a while, after you've become more adept at archery, the questions stop. Because you don't miss that red target anymore. But the habit doesn't change. You ask yourself different questions. I know I do, when I go into Loki's room each day and see the torn green cape, the leather suit, the gold arm bands tucked in a corner. You see the neatly made bed, and you wish the sheets weren't so clean and tidy. You wish there was someone in there.

Maybe if I'd run faster, reached the safe before the others, I could have stopped it.

Maybe if I'd just glanced at the security cameras at the right time, Loki wouldn't have gone with Thanos.

Maybe if I'd known Loki better, seen the signs, I would have seen through Loki's plan.

Maybe, just maybe, I could have got in their way. Be the one Thanos had stabbed.

Maybe Loki wouldn't have died, and I'd be the one coming back to haunt him.

OOO

The tricky thing
Is yesterday we were just children
Playing soldiers, just pretending
Dreaming dreams with happy endings

In backyards, winning battles
With our wooden swords
But now we've stepped into a cruel world
Where everybody stands and keeps score

OOO

Acceptance.

After thousands of years, you learn to accept betrayals and loss.

But it does not mean you will ever get used to it.

The first week, I believe none of us got much sleep. But the others, they'd merely known Loki for two weeks, three, if you would count the days when Loki was their sworn enemy. Imagine knowing someone for a thousand years. No, tens of thousands. It is hard for mortals to grasp the concept of time, but just imagine. Since the beginning of humanity, you have played, and fought, and grown up with this boy.

And suddenly he is just gone. Nothing left. When demi-Gods like us die, our bodies disappear, leaving nothing for those who mourn. Not even dust.

Immortals remember everything. Even if the memories are ones you so badly want to forget. I find myself thinking the times I had dragged Loki on escapades around Asgard, and he could narrate even the most mundane days into a fearsome, enthralling adventure. And each day we went home grimy and sweaty, after a day of battling dragons and monsters and whatever else Loki could come up with.

I thought maybe when we returned to Asgard, I could relive those days with the man who was my brother. Of course, not that I'd drag him through town square screaming at imaginary monsters. We'd outgrown that.

But just talking, remembering, would have been more than enough for me. I'd had this idea, that we could both be kings. We would have been invincible, with his wit and magic, and my strength. It could have worked. We could have been great rulers.

Sometimes thinking about what could have been, hurts the very most. When you imagine what would have happened if everything had gone your way.

But it helps you remember too. And you'll try live on, for him. For what could have been.

OOO


And now I wonder to myself
Who were you, where are you?
Were you ever here at all?

I don't want to lose your face
And I don't want to wake up one day
And not remember what time erased

OOO

Hope.

It's been two weeks.

The God of Mischief still manages to catch us by surprise, though. One day, after another long pointless  interview with the media, I idly flicked through the films Jarvis had taken.  As I l looked at the six of us speak to the crowd, I couldn't help but notice that small gap between Thor and I, and I couldn't help think how the six should have been seven.

I was about to shut off the system before my fingers accidentally swiped across the screen and brought forth the previous footage. My heart lurched when I saw. It was a short video, of the breakfast Loki had ruined by pulling back Clint's chair so he fell on his butt. Watching Loki with that smug little smile was like being rammed in the guts with a truck.

"Jarvis, did you record everything that happened in the tower while Loki was here?" I suddenly realized.

"Yes, Sir. You had programmed me to record all happenings in the Tower."

I hadn't been this glad about my programming skills since I'd created the Iron Man Mark I.

"Display all footage."

A whirl of thumbnails appeared before my eyes.

"Jarvis, I love you."

---

Clint found me, three hours later, huddled on the couch. I didn't even look up from the videos.

He took one look and plopped down beside me without a word. We didn't really have to say anything.

By the time the sun rose, all six of us were on the living room floor, reliving one of the best two weeks of our lives.

---

Maybe one day, Loki's silhouette wouldn't be the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes in the morning. Maybe one day I would think back and not quite remember how tall Loki seemed, standing next to me, or the drawling accent he spoke with, or the haughty way he strode around everywhere, a clear sign he was a prince on Asgard.

Then I'll take out those videos, and I'll re-watch them all again. Even if it takes me a day and a half. Because Loki lives on in there.

But let me tell you, I won't forget quite so soon. Not when sometimes, I still think I can hear the crackle of magic from his room. See just the slightest hints of green in the air sometimes.

He lives on everywhere.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Honestly, I think Valhalla, or whatever realm I was in now, should have made their welcoming ceremonies just a little more   welcoming . For someone who had gone through feeling like your blood had just been replaced with gasoline and set on fire, all for your friends, I thought I deserved better than falling face-first onto marble floor.

Thankfully, the black marks were gone, though the pain was still lurking, much weaker but still there.

Well, at least I was still conscious, by the loosest of definitions. Not exactly dead. But certainly not alive. I wondered idly if I was in Valhalla. Probably not. They wouldn't accept me, after all I'd done. I got up, rubbing my forehead. Who knew marble could be so hard.

"There was a long fight for you, you know. You were set for Valhalla, but I got the benefit from my ancestry." A girl's voice came from behind. I didn't turn. The voice was distantly familiar, but I was thinking more about how I could perhaps trick this girl, like I'd done so many others. Maybe there was still a chance of returning to Midgard.

"Are you listening?"

"Oh, yes." Loki smiled. "A long fight, you say? For me? How flattering for a young maiden to-"

"Oh just stop it. Honestly, are you trying to charm me ? I didn't think even you would stoop that low, O God of Lies."

What?

Loki's mind made a connection between voice and person. He whirled around, eyes just widening for a moment before he broke into a big grin. The girl raised an eyebrow and cross her arms, the spitting image of Loki when he was skeptical or amused.

Chuckling, Loki gave a small mock-bow. "Oh, I've missed you too."